This is easier said than done, definitely. But I've gotta try, or else I'll be stuck here (nowhere) forever...

Baby steps, Ann, baby steps...

Dear you, I think it is time for u to leave, and let me breathe a little. You stayed not because you want to; you stayed because I wanted you to. I keep coming back. I know. I'm sorry. I am the one who should be letting go.
Memories will remain just that. No more, no less. And it's time for me to make new ones.
As hard as it is, I'll try.
I wish you well. Goodbye.


**This year, I will learn to set realistic goals.

When people second guess my judgement.
It hurts.
Yes, I may seem a little too playful but I still put myself in others shoes. And I still think of what I'm about to say/do.
I'm (almost) 28 for goodness sake.

Please just let me be me.

I can feel myself withdrawing from all things and everybody. Against my will if that even makes sense to you.
I don't like being questioned.

I will share with you what I want. I will tell you what I feel like telling you.
I need my space please.

I guess I'm ready.

Some posts had to be removed though. Because they're reminders of things I'd rather not remember.
I'm trying to start over.

Two weeks plus now, I'm still finding my way, but I (think I am) surviving. Enjoying it too!

Recollection

It's 2012!!!

And to me it also means a whole new beginning.
Tomorrow is the last day of my housemanship. But as I was already on leave since 30/12, I'll just consider 29/12 as my last day.

I will be starting my MOship in radiology. *scary*... but that's what I want I guess. I am not too sure about it actually but of course I cant tell anyone about it.
My 2 years was typical HO years, but no harm in writing a recollection.

ORTHO
My first posting, eventhough most would say Ortho was a relaxed and easy posting, to me it wasn't. I remember during tagging, I'd come home crying because I was so tired. Not only from the ward work, but because i dared not sit down even for a while! There were too many things to learn and I didn't think I could cope. After a while, it still wasn't ok. Hehe. Thoughts of quitting came by often, but somehow I persevered.

I met friends then, friends who stayed with me throughout. The only good thing.

MEDICAL
They say, coming from ortho, you're like a first poster still because apparently they think we learn nothing in ortho. In a way, true. But at least we learned how to fill forms and how to refer there. Medical was a totally new world. It was the 2nd best posting for me. After surgery. I learned a lot and everyone was very eager to share. Workload was far more compared to ortho, but I enjoyed everyday eventhough I had to go home at 8pm (I'd be crappy because I'm tired, but the satisfaction is there, u see)

Cardiac rotation was my favorite. Bosses were amazing. TQ medical.

O&G
I'd say my HO rotations were ups and downs in alternating orders. This posting was another hell especially in the beginning. Everyone was so stressed because they were so many medicolegal issues. So u have to be really careful at work. This is a department where they practise fingerpointing a lot. They're always looking for somebody to blame. But towards the end, when they have learned to trust you, it was kinda nice. I was actually sad to leave the department, because the MOs were actually nice.

SURGERY
This was my favourite posting. I wouldnt say much because of it consists of my memories of him. I'll explain in another post and you'll understand why I wont elaborate.

PAEDS
I dreaded going to paeds, and I was ecstatic to leave. I almost got myself extended, because I failed my assesment. Glad I got through the reassesment. Everyone is horrible, yes I mean it. They scream at u as if ure not human. They do. And you'd think they'd be nice because they work with children. NOOOOO ure wrong! They are monsters. Hehe. Me getting emotional. Despite it being my 5th posting, I cried during tagging, like a 1st poster. *shhh*

ANAES
It was nice, but somehow i didn't enjoy it. I wouldnt mind staying as MO in anaes if it was more fun. Bosses seem nice, but I don't feel at home.So yeah, I decided to pursue something else altogether. They expected me to stay, but I opted out.

As to radiology, I chose radiology for a number of reasons.

After the 6 postings, I don't think any of it were my callings (except anaes, where I initially thought it was, and I still think it could be), so I thought maybe I'd try something that's totally new. I had radiology, pathology, forensics, ent, eye, skin. I thought why not radiology.

I'm going to like it. I'm going to work and learn really hard. I don't want to be ordinary.

the end

i give up. i give up missing u. i cant do it anymore.

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Cukuplah...

Cukuplah Aku Mencintai Dalam Diam

Copied from Diari Hati

Kalau kita sukakan seseorang,
jangan beritahu si dia.
Nanti Allah kurangkan rasa cinta padanya
Tapi luahkan pada Allah,
beritahulah Allah.
Allah Maha mengetahui siapa jodoh kita ..

Cintai Dia Dalam Diam,
Dari Kejauhan Dengan Kesederhanaan & Keikhlasan

Jika benar cinta itu kerana ALLAH maka biarkanlah ia mengalir mengikut aliran ALLAH kerana hakikatnya ia berhulu dari ALLAH maka ia pun berhilir hanya kepada ALLAH!

“Dan segala sesuatu Kami ciptakan berpasang-pasangan supaya kamu mengingat kebesaran ALLAH.”
(Adz Dzariyat : 49)

Tetapi jika kelemahan masih nyata dipelupuk mata maka bersabarlah, berdoalah & berpuasalah

“Dan janganlah kamu mendekati zina; sesungguhnya zina itu adalah satu perbuatan yang keji.
Dan suatu jalan yang buruk.”
(Al Israa’ : 32 )

Ketika kau mendambakan sebuah cinta sejati yang tak kunjung datang,
Allah SWT mempunyai Cinta dan Kasih yang lebih besar dari segalanya & Dia telah menciptakan sseorang yang akan menjadi pasangan hidupmu kelak.

Ketika kau merasa bahawa kau mencintai seseorang,
namun kau tahu cintamu tak terbalas
Allah SWT tahu apa yang ada di depanmu & Dia sedang mempersiapkan segala yang terbaik untukmu

Cukup cintai dalam diam
bukan kerana membenci hadirnya
tetapi menjaga kesuciannya
bukan kerana menghindari dunia
tetapi meraih syurga-NYA
bukan kerana lemah untuk menghadapinya
tetapi menguatkan jiwa dari godaan syaitan yang begitu halus dan menyelusup

Cukup cintai dari kejauhan
kerana hadirmu tiada kan mampu menjauhkan dari ujian
kerana hadirmu hanya akan menggoyahkan iman dan ketenangan
kerana mungkin membawa kelalaian hati-hati yang terjaga

Cukup cintai dengan kesederhanaan
Memupuknya hanya akan menambah penderitaan
menumbuhkan harapan hanya akan membumbui kebahagiaan para syaitan

Cintailah dengan keikhlasan
Kerana tentu kisah Fatimah dan Ali Bin Abi Talib diingini oleh hati
tetapi sanggupkah jika semua berakhir seperti sejarah cinta Salman Al Farisi..??

“.. boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu.
ALLAH mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.”
(Al Baqarah : 216 )

Jangan memberi harapan pada yang belum pasti,
kelak ada insan yang bakal dilukai,
Jangan menaruh harapan pada yang belum tentu dimiliki,
nanti hati yang kecewa sendiri.

Sebaliknya,
gantunglah segenap pengharapanmu kepada Yang Maha Memberi,
nescaya dirimu tak sesekali dizalimi,
kerana Dia mendengar pengharapanmu setiap kali & Dia menunaikannya dgn cara-Nya yang tersendiri

Cukup cintai dalam diam dari kejauhan dengan kesederhaan & keikhlasan
Kerana tiada yang tahu rencana Tuhan
mungkin saja rasa ini ujian yang akan melapuk atau membeku dengan perlahan

Kerana hati ini begitu mudah untuk dibolak-balikkan
serahkan rasa itu pada Yang Memberi dan Memilikinya
biarkan DIA yang mengatur semuanya hingga keindahan itu datang pada waktunya.

“Barangsiapa yang menjaga kehormatan orang lain, pasti kehormatan dirinya akan terjaga.”
(Umar Bin Khattab ra)

“Sesiapa sahaja yang memberi kerana Allah, menolak kerana Allah, mencintai kerana Allah,membenci kerana Allah & menikah kerana Allah, maka bererti ia telah sempurna imannya.”
(HR. Al-Hakim)

in between

when ure at the bottom, ppl will always look down on u.but u wont always be at the bottom. so, take comfort in that thought. and remember when ure no longer at the bottom, be nice, break the vicious cycle.

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